I’ve been in my relationship for five years and always had a difficulty orgasming

Diana Adams – on Twitter and Instagram – is the executive director of the Chosen Family Law Center, a non-profit advocating for a more inclusive definition of family. To support their work, donate here.

I was told you help women who feel shamed about their orgasms. About a year ago, I had an affair during a manic episode. I hardly remember any of it, but it haunts me every day. It doesn’t help that my boyfriend constantly brings up the affair when we have sex. He knows two solid ways to make me orgasm, but he focuses instead on two ways I have a hard time orgasming and gets very angry when I don’t. When I tell him that it’s not him, it’s just my body, he brings up the affair and angrily says I was able to orgasm these ways with a stranger. I now feel anxious to have the big O as fast as humanly possible and try to guide him to do what feels best and even show him how do it. But it always ends in an argument about how I orgasmed doing these things with someone else and he gets angry about it. Now I feel like my vagina is broken. He says it’s because I’ve had too much sex and accuses me of preferring sex with strangers and then starts berating himself for being too small. It doesn’t matter if is penetrative, oral or by hand, he always says the same things. I don’t San fernando female understand why I can’t from his hand or when he’s behind me and those are the only ways he cares about. Can you help me? It’s been a consistent problem. We’ve had this fight at least three times a week for the last eleven months.

So, it seems pretty clear – at least to me – that your boyfriend isn’t having sex with you to reconnect after the affair or for the sake of having sex; he’s having sex with you to control and punish you

You don’t have any trouble getting off – you’re fully orgasmic (even during PIV alone!) – but for reasons I’ll get into/speculate about in a moment, FIBS, your boyfriend has decided to ignore not only what he knows works for/on you, but also ignore the feedback you’ve attempted to give him during sex. Instead, he’s choosing to do what doesn’t work or doesn’t work as easily – a conscious choice on his part – and then when the predictable happens (what doesn’t work doesn’t work), your boyfriend throws mean-spirited tantrums about the affair you had during a mental health crisis before pivoting to woe-is-me bullshit about the size of his dick. (An affair you told him entirely too much about! He may have found out and/or needed to know about the affair, but he didn’t need to know exactly how you got off with your affair partner.)

He doesn’t want to get you off – he’s intentionally setting you up for failure – because he wants to throw this affair in your face again and again. Given how long he’s been having these cruel and vindictive tantrums – three times a week for eleven months – it seems clear no intention of forgiving you. To borrow a phrase: the cruelty is the point.

I’ve had many successful orgasms with him from penetrative and oral sex

Someone who can’t stop demanding apologies won’t be satisfied by the millionth one. Yes, you had an affair and, yes, that was wrong. But there were extenuating circumstances – you were in a manic state – and if he can’t forgive you and get past it, FIBS, he has no place in your life, your bed, your vagina, or your mouth.